Just a few notes from the south...in the hopes of not boring my readers who care not a whit about my past. For those of you who do...part 4 is just around the corner. I actually had it done, sent it off and it landed someplace in cyberspace...aarrrrrgggghhhhh!
This list is quite true - although the south has come along nicely in the last decade or so....we actually do have coffee houses, salads and other good things 
The North has Bloomingdales, The South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. <------VERY IMPORTANT!
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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A friend in southwest Virginia told me once that a local fellow had asked him where he was from. Since he had lived in the area for twenty years, he said, "Well, I'm from right here." The fellow looked at him a minute, then said, "No, no, where are your people from?" It was then he realized that he'd never be from "right there."
ReplyDeleteOh Cheri, that was so funny. I'm still chuckling. One of my dear sisters-in-law is from Georgia, now living in Alabama, so I was introduced firsthand to southern lingo many years ago. Poor thing, I had to ask her to repeat herself so often. My question is: How do "y'all" teach phonics to your kids? Although a native born and bred New Englander, I have never acquired the stereotypical accent because of being such a voracious reader, I think.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought it bad when I spent a week at my husband's family's home in New Hampshire (I grew up in Minnesota); someone called on the phone and I made the mistake of answering. I couldn't understand what the woman was saying, and finally asked her to call back when Jim's folks were home! My father-in-law still brings that up as a big joke!
ReplyDeleteRick,
ReplyDeleteIt is so true - even though I've been a southern gal all of my life....I am not from HERE :)
Emily,
I still teach phonics and all of my boys read voraciously - none of them are blessed with a true southern accent - perhaps because we spent many years in Florida - even my accent is faint. My youngest has spent his whole life in TN - he also has a faint accent. I also don't allow some of the "southern" words...such as ain't....I find they tease me about my accent.
Lynn,
I can believe it - I have a hard time understanding some of the local old timers...and I'm southern!