Obedient children....where have they gone?

I have been amazed lately at what I have witnessed in the grocery store. I have had to bite my lips to keep quiet at some of the things I hear in the produce aisle! Parents and children seem to have switched roles! I do not understand why I hear parents either explaining to, arguing with or pleading with their young children about why they should obey. Reach out and touch some reality folks...at 6 or 7 years old they don't need THAT much freedom in their little lives. It seems that many parents, with tender hearts I am sure, want to be their little one's friend. They have friends....what they need are parents. This doesn't mean that you don't love them, play with them, snuggle them and adore them. It means that when it comes down to the bottom line, you are the boss and they KNOW you are the boss. You can be best friends when your children grow up.

I tried to teach my boys "immediate obedience without question". Once they obeyed they were free to ask me what it was all about...respectfully. I then had a choice to make...to explain or to tell them that they needed to obey because Father said to obey your parents. Most often it was the latter...if they don't learn to obey me quickly and without question while I am standing there....how will they learn to obey Father quickly and without question when they can't see Him? There is no room for the question WHY? with our heavenly Father and there should be no room for the question WHY? with little ones. Our Heavenly Father requires our obedience because he says so....is it so bad for us to require the same of our children?

There are times you need to tell your child "do this". And then you need to be prepared to make them....no pleading, no whining, no explaining. If you know it is necessary for the good of your child, then you require it. If they don't obey then an appropriately placed pop on the behind does a lot for motivation. HOWEVER!!! You must be consistent with this. If you teach your child that sometimes they will be disciplined and sometimes they will get away with it, then you have effectively made your life miserable because they will test you EVERY chance they get. They need to know without a shadow of a doubt that disobedience ALWAYS brings discipline. ALWAYS!

What I see are wimpy parents. Either they don't have the confidence that they know best or they just don't have the "gumption" to follow through. Recently overheard in the pharmacy section: "Well, Ella May, you know the Dr. said you need to take this medicine and I really think you should take it to make yourself feel better. You see, it will help kill the bad germs...please Ella May, please make Mommy happy and take this." At this point I had to leave before I felt compelled to open mouth and insert foot have a talk with Mommy and Ella May. What I wanted to say to the Mom was...YOU ARE THE BOSS. Tell the child, "You are going to take this medicine." What I wanted to tell Ella May was "You will obey or you will be spanked!". Ella May, by the way, had a triumphant look on her face...she knew she was in charge....she was enjoying the power struggle...she knew she was winning...she wasn't any older than SIX!

Parents, if you are not in control of your child at the age of 6....if they do not respect you and obey you at the age of 6 without requiring an explanation from you (that they will then assess to see if it meets their qualifications!) .....what makes you think it is going to get better by the time they are 13...14...16? IT WILL NOT! If you have a rebellious, difficult child now, unless you change your parenting style you will have a rebellious and difficult child at 16 and I am sure you will be dealing with far more serious subjects than whether they are going to take their cough syrup!

Here is a quick test to see how you are doing:

1.Do you enjoy being with your child?

2.Can you take them anywhere and be reassured that they will behave?

3.Do they obey you the first time you ask?

4.Do you require your child to adjust themselves to your life?

5.Do you adjust your life so as not to put yourself in situations where your child might be difficult or embarrass you?

6. Do you find yourself saying "We can't do that/go there because (insert name) would ________ (fill in the blank... not sit still, scream, throw a temper tantrum, embarrass us, disobey, etc.).

If you can't answer yes to the first 4 and no to the last 2 then you might want to make some adjustments to your parenting style while remembering that consistency is the key to everything. A book that helped me a lot when my boys were little was called "Making Children Mind Without Loosing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I read this book more than once...and still keep it on my shelf...after all I still have kids at home! I am sure you can still find this book through the link in my sidebar to Amazon. It would make a wonderful gift to both you and your child!

Elisabeth Elliot sums this up so much better than I, so let me step off of my soap box and allow Elisabeth Elliot to tell you all about it!

Author: Elisabeth Elliot
Source: Keep A Quiet Heart

A Child's Obedience

Questions from a young mother: "How can I train my twenty-month-old to come to me? How many times do I say 'Come here' before I go and grab him?"

The very first time you tell the child to do or not to do something (come here, don't touch, sit still), (1) make sure you have the child's attention; (2) look him straight in the eye (let him know he has your attention); (3) speak in an even, normal tone, address him by name, give the command; (4) give him a few seconds to let the message sink in; (5) speak his name again, and ask, "What did I say?" Since training should begin long before he is talking, he will not be able to verbalize the answer, but he should obey. Children always are way ahead of their parents' idea of what they can understand. (6) Tell him once more: "Mama said come, Andrew." If he does not obey, spank him. After the first time or two of practice, spank after you've spoken once.

To make a habit of repeating commands is to train the child to believe you never mean what you say the first time. If the first lesson in obedience is carried out as above, the child learns quickly that you mean exactly what you say. I know it works--my parents taught us this way, and I watched them train my younger sister and brothers. I found that it worked with my daughter Valerie.

If you run after the child and physically force him to do what you say (e.g. grab him when he doesn't come, take something away when he touches it), you are training him not to pay attention to your words. He knows he can get away with anything until forcibly restrained.

Now about spanking. The book of Proverbs speaks of the "rod of discipline," (22:15) and says, "Rod and reprimand impart wisdom, but a boy who runs wild brings shame on his mother" (29:15, NEB). "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" (13:24, NIV). My mother used a very thin little switch from a bush in the backyard. We knew there was one in every room, readily available to administer a couple of stings to our legs if we disobeyed. Valerie keeps a thin wooden paint stirrer handy in the house, and also in her purse. One or two firm "paddles" on a small outstretched hand are language that an under-two child understands very clearly.

Don't imagine that following this advice will mean that your child will be punished twenty times a day. The wonderful thing about these simple rules is that punishment needs to be used very seldom, if you start soon enough. If you begin at the beginning to show the child you are serious about obedience, you will not need to undo the months or years of raising your voice, repeating commands again and again, rushing after him. You will have control. The child will be learning to trust the word of authority (which will make it much easier later for him to believe that God means what He says) and your life together will be much more peaceful and happy.

Suppose your child is already twenty months or three years old and you have not taught him to obey? Then you must both pay a price, but I believe it can be done. Set aside a whole morning to start over. Talk to him, tell him how much you love him, tell him, "This morning we are going to learn the most important lesson you will ever have to learn." Let him see that you are in earnest. Start practicing the beginner's rules.

A word of caution: spanking, in my opinion, should be for deliberate disobedience only. When a child spills his milk or stuffs peanuts up his nose or pours your talcum powder all over the carpet, he is not being disobedient. He is only acting his age. You have not forbidden him to stuff peanuts up his nose. If you have, and he does it anyway, spank him. If, in defiance, he dumps his milk on the floor, spank him. But childish mistakes and messes must be pointed out, and by all means he should be made to rectify them or clean them up as best he can. Think of punishments that will fit the "crimes," but reserve the stick or the switch for deliberate disobedience. He will soon learn that when he defies you, a spanking follows as sure as the dawn follows the night--even if you are in church or the supermarket. Take him out to the car and spank him. Explain the whole system to him again (after the spanking), if necessary. Put your arms around him, assure him of your love, and change the subject.