From the past to the present……A post I hoped never to write.... (Pt.5)

You can find parts one, two, three and four by clicking on those words. This post has been a long time coming...many of you have written to ask for the next "installment". However, this was a post that I hoped never to write. I ended part four with these words...

Although this time was wonderful in so many ways, especially for my boys, it exacerbated problems that had existed in my husband’s life, and in our marriage, for a very long time. The next years would be the hardest in my life….I would need to draw closer to God than I ever dreamed….

About two years into our marriage we experienced the birth of a baby, loss of a job and a move to another state within a matter of months. My husband went on to the new job while I stayed behind to sell the house. That lasted about 6 months, with weekend visits, when I said enough is enough. We rented the house and I went on to join my husband. It was then I noticed the change. Quiet, withdrawn from me and child, non-communicative. Thus began my struggle to try to find out what changed, to draw him out, and to seek help.

In the last 18 years we have seen many counselors, from laymen to pastors to professionals...all to no avail. I always felt that if I found the right person, the right professional with the right words they would be able to evoke change. Unfortunately, he has been "resistant to counsel". Sadly, this led to other problems that I discovered over two years ago. Having no desire to uncover my husband, let us suffice to say that covenant has been broken and certain activities, that he was unwilling to give up, I was unable to live with.

I would like to say that our current pastor was wonderful. He gave 14 months to this effort and I am very thankful for him. I needed this "perfect" counselor to see that I was hanging my hopes on a "person" when it is only the Father that changes hearts....if we are willing. Many times I have spoken of the trial and difficulty that we are experiencing. Many of you have asked....I, with the highest of hopes once again, was unwilling to share. I hope you understand why. This also explains some of my "blogging lapses"...during some of the more difficult times I find it hard to write a cheerful post...and I HATE whining!

Some friends and family have chosen "not to get involved". I understand. But, in many ways the boys and I have been left to fend for ourselves. I wonder though....if pressure had been brought to bear on my husband would it have made a difference? Seems to me that is the design that I find in the Word...accountability and discipline. Surely there is a purpose in that....with the ultimate hope being restoration.

However, our Father has seen fit to send many, both family and friends with baskets of hope and provision. Strangers, who didn't know anything was amiss, who left money when the cupboard was almost bare...and who commented..."I don't know why I am doing this but I think I am supposed to"...non-Christians in the community that have called to check on us and offer help. Family members who blessed us at Christmas unexpectedly. My Mom, who is always ready to lend a hand, pray for us and help us in tangible ways. A family, who we did not know at the time, that traveled a great distance last year to devote a day of serving us around the farm - repairing all of the broken equipment and giving great fellowship to myself and especially my boys at the same time...they are now family. Another blogger who traveled a great distance to spend a day with us and encourage us...love us...and became dear friends and then through her we met her family (Hi DOD!!) and they have blessed us by praying diligently for us and by caring! Close local friends who have stepped in to provide things that were needed but were far from our reach. Friends who bought things from us that I seriously doubt they truly needed...because their hearts wanted to help and they cared about justice. Customers, scattered from Texas to Washington, Kentucky, Virginia, Minnesota, New York, New England and more who have become good friends (thank you dear ones!). We have seen the "hands and feet" of Christ serving us from many directions....always when needed most.

The process of dividing and separating has been grueling and eye-opening. The boys have also experienced many difficult moments and have, thankfully, been able to pour out their hearts to our pastor and to other godly men. Several have left phone numbers with them with the admonition to "call if you need me....anytime!" And they know that they can...and they have at times...and been received with open arms. Thank you....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! They have received great counsel and encouragement and have stood strong for me and for each other. Yahweh bless you men!!!

The boys and I have been living here on the farm for a little over two years now by ourselves. My boys have turned into men....have shouldered burdens that they should never have faced at their ages and they have done it without complaining or whining, and with great courage! Truly, they are my heroes!

And miracles...we have seen many. Father is showing my boys that we are not walking this path alone. The building of their faith has been an awesome thing to see. Just a few examples.....

We have put $10 of gas into an empty 38 gallon tank and seen it rise to full. We have seen a tank of gas, that should get 300 miles get almost 500 miles. We have seen a very small amount of money stuffed into a drawer "in case of an emergency" multiply when we needed it.

We have seen not only needs, but the desires of our hearts met. I had been praying for almost 6 months for a way to take my boys to Biltmore House in NC. Recently, a complete stranger walked up to me and offered us 4 FREE PASSES!! Let me say that again...A COMPLETE STRANGER! I almost wept....I am sure she thinks that she picked a completely crazy person! I pray that Yahweh blesses her!  And when we got there...and went to rent the audio tour, the kind woman quickly understood we planned on sharing this tool....we lacked the money to rent one for each of us.  She blessed us by slipping us free tickets...when Josiah pointed out that we had not paid for that many she shushed him and smiled...and brought me to tears....Father's hand again!

We have long had the desire to have an Angus bull to breed our milk cows....a friend calls out of the blue and offers us one...apologetically because we would need to bottle feed him for a month. And delivers him...and registers him for us....his name...well officially they named him Cheri's Dividend....we call him B.D. for Big Daddy - cause he's hopefully going to be one :) THANK YOU SUE AND STAN!

I could go on and on! We stand amazed at the hand of our Father who has not left us and we cling to him. Is it hard?....absolutely....but we know that He will not leave us nor forsake us. We are walking in faith...we do not know what the future holds...or even next week. We have planted a garden the last two years not knowing if we would be there to harvest the fruit of our labors. We are doing so again this year. We know not what the future holds but we know that we are not alone.

My friend Julie has walked with me through this for the last 6 or 7 years. She has been the greatest cheerleader for restoration and the greatest comforter when it became apparent that it was not to be. She has listened to me cry, encouraged me to laugh and loved me through all of this. She has become the sister I never had. She gave me a great picture of Yahweh that I cling to...when my children were small and I said "come follow me" they took my hand and did so...they didn't ask what will I wear, what will I eat, where are you taking me? They knew I was their Mama and that I loved them and that I wanted only the very best for them. They KNEW THEY COULD TRUST ME!

Aren't we to be "like a little child"?

Matthew 18: 2 - 4: 2He called a little child and had him stand among them. v3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. v4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

I don't know where He is taking us, how we will eat, what we will wear...but I know He loves me, will provide for me and mine and desires only the best for me..how could I be in better hands?

Clinging tightly to the hand of Yahweh,